Once again I am faced with the challenge of mustering up the energy to move forward on a project that may or may not go anywhere, even though this one has some very relevant ears perked.
I have found there is little written about this challenge. I’m not talking about writer’s block. Luckily I do not suffer from that. Quite the opposite – I have too many ideas.
It’s like in the aftermath of a bad relationship when you protect yourself from getting hurt again. I think each time you are faced with a new project you realize the damage the last ones have had on your motivation, self-worth and even your place in the world if you let yourself really go there.
Writers think a lot and with that blessing comes a curse: each project offers up the opportunity to fall into a dark hole of despair or into a lofty, happy place of possibility. It is usually an internal fight that roars the loudest just as things get underway.
I have a Master’s degree in counseling psychology and decades of experience so you can imagine I have an arsenal of tricks I play with myself to get through these challenges. Some days I do it better than others. The feelings involved can be overwhelming and can render you hopeless and feeling helpless as well. These are the cornerstones of depression.
The question that rolls in my head today is about disappointment. Am I up for another potentially devastating, depressing disappointment? Right now in this moment I can say I am not.
What is it that keeps me, a writer writing, or for that matter what keeps anyone pursuing a dream? Over and over again it always comes down to this answer: Me. There is absolutely no magic to it, which feels very much like just another chore.
I have chosen this chore above all others. Like it or not, hard work doesn’t always prevail in the way you want it to. In fact, the damage left behind can render you defeated beyond any hope of a phoenix-rising-from-the-ashes experience. That bird right there don’t always fly.
Life is not a movie or a television show. If it was it would have gotten cancelled a long time ago because the realities are sometimes too much to bear and viewers will turn that shit off.
I believe in happy endings. More and more I understand that you cannot wait for them. You must focus only on the one step in front of you to manage your mind from running into ruin. I trust myself to take that step.